Graduating? Maybe..maybe not

This past semester has been crazy and I never would've thought I could let myself go the way I have; not necessarily physically but mentally. My grades are slipping, my motivation is closing, my ability to persevere is dissipating, everything seems to be slipping away. I didn't think I could be as burnt out as I am, and I want to leave for Ghana for almost four months?? What was I thinking? I'm crazy, but I love myself enough to know it's okay.

So here's my dilemma of the week: I wasn't a responsible student and slacked off in one class- Developmental Psychology. I went to class for the first month, and realized that I wasn't learning a thing: the class was 8 am, the professor was terrible and disastrously boring, his drone was worse than Stephen Hawkins and the topic just as bland. I am probably too much of a skeptic to believe in Developmental Psychology, but regardless I have earned roughly a 69% (not sure exactly because he hasn't graded 4 major sections of our entire grade) in the class probably but need a 70% to pass the class and graduate. I'm not asking for an A, I'm not asking for 10 points. I'm not saying that he should "give me" an extra point, I said I would earn it if possible. This is just being ridiculous and it's frustrating. I'm freaking out. I've never been in this predicament before. I'm sorry to rant, but this could make or break being apart of the Peace Corps.

But here's the good news for the week in relation to the Peace Corps

PEACE CORPS UPDATE

I received an e-mail April 16th asking for my updated resume, completed "graduated college transcripts" and an experience portfolio of the past year.
This is exciting news, but just as stressful due to the problems of me graduating. But I guess that's life.
Ghana is so close, I can taste it. I'm nervous though. I'm going to miss the states.
I have a lot of thank you letters to write in the next couple of days; there have been so many people who have helped me get to where I am right now. I have no idea where I would be without so many of them. My greatest gift from God has been the blessings he gave me from my university. Truly a remarkable place.
But onto other things... if I do graduate, which I hope and pray that I do, my resume and experience will be wonderfully updated well enough to hopefully make a great candidate to leave in September as nominated!! :)

God please bless me and the path that I pursue in these next five months!

As always, thanks for reading :)

Anxiety

Officially Medically Cleared, 34 days until Ghana, 29 until Commencement... reality hits.

I am really doing all that I thought. I submitted my service learning hours, just the basic ones even though when I went through my service at FGCU I had well over 400- but I didn't have the time to drive over to every supervisor just to get them signed especially since my car isn't working. Haha this time my tire blew and unfortunately with Ghana to pay for and visa applications, vaccinations and malaria pills also clothes to pay for items for my car are the least of my worries.

It's all so real and it gets really scary. The start of something new, the idea of figuring out where I'm going in my life. I have all the emotions inside of me, ones that I've just started to even acknowledge, let alone try to understand them. I'm nervous about graduating. What if my GPA is too low? Over a 3.0 means you're "above average" but I've always thought of myself as an Exceeds Expectations kind of person. I've always been a "goody-two shoes" and have enjoyed my naivete in many of my paths throughout college, but am learning what it means to be "put together". Just because you're a mess on the inside doesn't mean you need to show it. I used to be good at that, but with all this pressure from family, friends, professors, mentors, advisers, Student Government, Housing (Resident Assistant stuff), boys, jobs, really just life in general, I'm more anxious than ever.

I'm anxious to leave for Ghana, but in an great way. To make a difference in the months that I'm there, to experience life in a completely different culture than I've ever experienced. I'm anxious about all this work I still have to do for my classes, it's extensive: a grant proposal, two research papers, two final exams, two presentations and a service project that I have no clue how I'm going to finish in time, 20 credits my senior semester wasn't my smartest move. I'm anxious to graduate, more so because it means I did it in four years and have a hell of a resume to show for it. I'm anxious to wonder if my dad is proud of me. I'm anxious to think about all the things I've been through in these past four years, what a way to live life. I'm anxious about where I'll be in 5 months. Will I be leaving for Africa again? Or will I be in D.C living with my best friend, figuring out what I can do to make a difference in the HIV/AIDS community there. I'm just a bit anxious about that.

I have been so privileged over my last four years. To have finally met my mother, to have met my two best friends that will be by my side until the day I die, to have met the most wonderful little sister I could've ever dreamed of, to have seen love, to have seen life, to have seen hard work and perseverance make a difference, I have been so honored to have served the students of my university, gosh I just can't explain it. I have lived my life in such a crazy pace, from my very first breath I never stopped going. I am blessed by God to know that I have been given and searched for the resources to make my dreams a reality.

This Peace Corps process, though daunting has been such an experience in itself. Learning patience, perseverance etc. I have learned more about who I am, and have pushed myself to be better. I still make mistakes but I acknowledge them and recognize when I am acting as a bad person would. But then again there are no bad people, just mistakes and insanity.

I am so proud to be a member of the Peace Corps Family and can not wait until I hear from my placement officer!! It will be an amazing experience to discuss all the things I might have the ability to do while I'm serving.

So privileged. So honored. So Anxious.

have a great month of April everyone :)

And so the real waiting game begins...

Hi again!! I know it's been a while since I've posted and who can really blame me... since the last time I posted my life was going crazy and well it's gotten crazier. I don't know who-where-what-why etc but lets start from the beginning of December and work my way to today.

So in December it was really crazy because I wasn't doing too well in a class, and I had a lot of work going on between my two jobs and my car wasn't working for a good month so I had to figure out rides to and from/to and from everywhere: it was pretty harsh. But then I found out that a couple of Resident Assistants were let go due to alcohol incidents and I received an e-mail saying that they'd like to re-interview me for the position. Well low and behold I RECEIVED THE Resident Assistant position! Woo awesome. Here's the catch, I wasn't allowed to go to Belize if I took up the position. Well I'm glad I did, it was well well worth it but now... I'm just crazy busy. Between Resident Assistant, Student Government Pro Tempore, my third job, being a mentor for emerging eagles, being the diversity night site leader for the alternative spring break, being in Chi Omega and just well you know trying to graduate with all of my classes life has been difficult. Plus trying to get the money to pay back all of my credit cards, save up for Ghana, trying to get my car fixed and then work on paying all my monthly bills: It's been a rough couple of months.

I finally got my act together recently but it's just been a long process. I'm super busy and trying to just figure everything out :)

I'll keep you posted on everything that's going on in Peace Corps life now though.

I'm excited to say that I finally submitted my medical paper work and was total last week that they're reviewing my file!! I even got a nice little check back for all of my medical receipts which was nice and exciting! :) Gotta love the government sometimes.

We'll see how long the wait is. Hopefully I'll find out something early April and get an invitation later in May or June. That would honestly make my life.

LETS ALL PRAY FOR ME PLEASE <3

Medical turmoil

November 15th... and I'm about ready to scream at the people at the clinic I'm so fed up.

So unfortunately this session is solely to vent about the ludacrisness of this medical and dental exams. I have to pay to get a pap smear and blood tests and all of these ridiculous things that are expensive and even though I have two jobs... I just can't deal with all of the medical expense, plus having to deal with bills, my car breaking down, my school life in an uproar, I'm tired of the ridiculousness just so tired. Plus I haven't even started the dental work because I know how expensive it's going to be for me, last time I checked about $2500. I'm just frustrated like crazy. There are so many things and I just don't have time to do it. I'm taking 16 credits, two jobs, my sorority, Student Government, The Ladybug Project (Internship in Ghana preparations), fund raising for Belize... and all of this is on a week to bi-weekly basis.

Who has time to sit in a medical office where the people have no idea what they're talking about? Every time I say that's not what the medical paper says they HAVE to say the opposite of what I'm telling them. I am so frustrated with my medical clinic because they are just a waste of time with this. It'd be cheaper and less ridiculous if I went to a free clinic 30 minutes away because perhaps then they'd be able to this with a real doctor and have a real stamp of approval. I'm just so frustrated and so tired of people being ignorant.

I am at my wits end with trying to figure it out with everything but I'm hoping to have it submitted by December. Being patient is harder than ever. Even though by then it will have been three months, there are just so many things coming at me that it's genuinely hard to take all this time out of my day. Plus the expenses. I'm just... over it all. But I want this so bad so I'm willing to work with it and get over the ridiculousness.

I am really interested in seeing how the holidays work this semester because it will be just as if I was in the Peace Corps. I won't be going to be with my family for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I won't be with friends... just working. It's interesting for sure how all of this in life will work out. With so many things to pay for, so many things to attend, so many things to do, sometimes I just want to leave these responsibilities and gain some that matter for other people. All I am doing now is things for myself, to get myself into the Peace Corps, to maintain my own sanity, to get all my classes done, so I can get myself to graduation, make sure I collect all my papers for service learning that I never submitted, fix my car, find money so I can go to Belize and Ghana... I'm just so selfish with my time and my life that I'm almost missing out on everything that's here, slowly distancing myself from some so that I won't miss them as much.

I am ready to leave but scared for the responsibilities. I feel as if my responsibilities here are nothing compared to the ones that I'll have in Africa. Though I think having different types of responsibilities will keep everything in perspective.

Well... thanks for letting me vent!!

NOMINATED!!!!

So...
it's September 16th (though it's September 19th as I'm writing this) and I'm having lunch with my wonderful sorority owl pal (I'm in Chi Omega) and I get a voicemail pop up on my phone. I wasn't going to answer it but my owl pal went to the bathroom so I figured I'd call while she was away.

BOY WAS IT AMAZING NEWS!!! I had been so nervous for weeks that I wasn't going to get a nomination BUT I DID!! And I'm so excited, words can't express my amazement. Though there are stipulations that come with my nomination, I think that it's available for me to complete them in the time their requesting to make me the most competetive candidate for the Health Extension Program in Sub-Saharan Africa. My legal/health/dental clearance papers will come in the mail and once I submit them, with my newly revised resume and hopefuly 30 hours/3 months of experience working with members of the community living with HIV/AIDS I MIGHT BE INVITED!!!! (most PCV'ers don't get invited until February/March once they applied in July/August)

The really funny thing is that I DO believe the Interim Director for the "Center For Living" I worked with over the summer is going for the same program come May. I haven't talked to her in almost two months so I'm not sure but I'm excited to go visit and tell her all about it. I thought I was going to be able to go back to my internship as soon as school started but it's just been so crazy. The second that I think that I'm able to go "this friday" something always comes up :(

But I might switch internships anyway so that I can work towards a more personal relationship with members of the community living with HIV/AIDS. They asked that I get 30 hours or 3 months of more "experience" with the HIV/AIDS community. I have to make sure my CPR/AED certification is done before I resubmit my resume, as well as find a more counseling based internship/volunteer posibilities in the area.

I know it didn't really have that much to do with the HIV/AIDS community but my career & personal development advisor suggested I go through safe zone training to help make me a better candidate for internship possibilities in the future assisting with members of the community living with HIV/AIDS. I'm hoping it will so that I can work on a closer basis.

I am truly passionate about HIV/AIDS awareness! It all started with my biology of human sexuality class (though I didn't pass it the first time). I gained the ability to discuss the subjects comforatbly. Then came the SigEp philanthrophy and the processes behind fund raising for Youth Aids Awareness. I have always had a sincere passion for children, and through SigEp my love for the members of the community living with HIV/AIDS increased even more. Then after I was contacted about a possible internship working at an HIV & AIDS clinic in a town 20/30 minutes north of my place. I was excited and anticipated that the internship would really make me have a relationship with many of the patients that came in. During the summer I wasn't able to get as much experience as I had hoped so that is why now I'm looking to work for a non-profit where I can personally assist the members of the community living with HIV/AIDS, not just file papers and clean floors. Though I'll admit I will never forget my experience at that internship, I hope that it was a wonderful foundation for a future experience at another non-profit.

So until next time! BYYEEE!

My interview

So... after all that trouble my adventure continues with the tenacity I brought to drive and have my interview the next week after I turned everything in. I was determined to have it in July, I needed them to understand how willing I was to do anything to make this come true.

I had my interview Tuesday July 26th.

I drove 3 hours to Palm Beach Gardens from Fort Myers just so I could make sure this happened. I've never given up so much for one event: I've done it for jobs and for positions in Student Government but for one event... not so much. I've never wanted something so much. I'm willing to do what ever it takes. Peace Corps makes sense. It's rare that I even say that.

I've felt so lost lately. Nothing makes sense. Being a lawyer seems to power hungry and not me at all. Social worker doesn't create the idea that I'm reaching my potential. Sex education and consultants feels wrong and more like work instead of something I could wake up every morning and be happy to be a part of. I'm just... so confused. I hate that I can't find my path. I've been reading the Alchemist lately and I feel so connected to the character. Perhaps looking something that's right in front of me and maybe I know what it is but maybe I don't want to admit that it's my calling. I hate that. I hate the double standard that I create for myself. Why do I consistently do this?

Oh but such is life. One must keep moving forward and recognize that things will be all right if one is to think positive. But onto my adventure of the Peace Corps interview.

So of course there are your basic questions they ask... why, how, why you? I felt so lost for a bit. As if I haven't done enough to stand out and make myself seem like a productive part of society. I've given back and done a lot but it doesn't mean that my resume and presentation of self compares to the mind blowing works of some of the other students that have applied. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. He told me that September is when he can really provide me with any information. So that was the gist of the interview, nothing too crazy. I love how PCVers always gush about their time away. That's what makes everything worth it. All this crazyness I'm going through to be a part of the Peace Corps is worth every word that comes out of the previous PCV'ers. AHHHHHH!!!

I've done all the research but it doesn't mean that it will make this go any faster. I want this. I can feel this. I can taste everything that it could bring. But it doesn't mean it'll happen. I've given so much to other things in my life but I've been hindered by someone I used to be and by what others have labeled me as. That's life and I get that, but it doesn't mean that I haven't worked hard enough to be a part of the program but because of the drama of girls and government I'm unable to receive the position.

Ugh. I'm so upset about it and I don't even want to admit it, and it's created this self doubt worse than ever before. The idea of failure haunts me with every second I stay at my school. Every minute I make a mistake or tell a white lie or am not true to myself, I create this shadow that provides my mind with every negative thought I can possibly conceive.

The Peace Corps is so important to me because it's not running away from something it's running towards something. A life that means something, that makes me feel like I've done something in my life, because I think that I can make the difference and be a part of the generation that creates a positive image of America. Gosh there are so many reasons that I want to be a part of the Peace Corps. I think this is what makes or breaks a person and this is where I can reveal my personal legend. I have a passion of making a difference but am so scared of my destiny, where it leads to.

Have you ever felt alone in a room full of people? Have you ever felt that you aren't doing enough though you don't even have time to sleep a full night? Do you feel guilty that you've had a couple days off or when you've lied to have a night/day off of an event or meeting. Every time I do but I remember that I'm still in college and that this is the place to make mistakes and change the kinks in who I am. I love myself and what I want out of life, but where my life leads is so out of place for me. When I think about the Peace Corps I am confident in that direction because it makes sense to me. Americorps and TFA only appeal in my skills not necessarily to me as a person.


Oh Peace Corps. Why do you tempt me so?
I just want to go.
But will I ever?

When it rains, just go dance

July 15: So good news!! I received the finger print cards and the agency check form. I didn't receive them until after work so I just filled out the agency check form first.

July 18th: I had such a busy day. Internship from 8 am but I left early to get everything done. So by 2 pm I was at the fingerprinting place at my University. Cost me $5 but that's not too bad I guess. Then I rushed over to the post office since it was before 3 pm and requested an overnight package for them. $14 later it's sent off and my shoulders are a little lighter today. I walk into work with a smile on my face :)

July 19th: I get an e-mail (on my phone) saying my toolkit has been updated!! UH OH!! :) but since my computer still has a deadly virus I haven't been able to check anything on the internet.

July 20: Wake up early for my internship, sort of forgetting about everything... then BAM! STEVE CALLS! I'm scheduled for an interview 11 am at Panera in West Palm BEach........ NEXT TUESDAY!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!! I'm so excited. I'm going crazy right now. My friend said she won't hear back until September and she interviewed about two weeks ago so I can hopefully assume that will happen to me the earlier I interview! (Which is why I rushed it so much) I'm going crazy but I'm on such a high not even the mean Chair lady at my internship can get me down today <3 Today will be such a great day :)