My interview

So... after all that trouble my adventure continues with the tenacity I brought to drive and have my interview the next week after I turned everything in. I was determined to have it in July, I needed them to understand how willing I was to do anything to make this come true.

I had my interview Tuesday July 26th.

I drove 3 hours to Palm Beach Gardens from Fort Myers just so I could make sure this happened. I've never given up so much for one event: I've done it for jobs and for positions in Student Government but for one event... not so much. I've never wanted something so much. I'm willing to do what ever it takes. Peace Corps makes sense. It's rare that I even say that.

I've felt so lost lately. Nothing makes sense. Being a lawyer seems to power hungry and not me at all. Social worker doesn't create the idea that I'm reaching my potential. Sex education and consultants feels wrong and more like work instead of something I could wake up every morning and be happy to be a part of. I'm just... so confused. I hate that I can't find my path. I've been reading the Alchemist lately and I feel so connected to the character. Perhaps looking something that's right in front of me and maybe I know what it is but maybe I don't want to admit that it's my calling. I hate that. I hate the double standard that I create for myself. Why do I consistently do this?

Oh but such is life. One must keep moving forward and recognize that things will be all right if one is to think positive. But onto my adventure of the Peace Corps interview.

So of course there are your basic questions they ask... why, how, why you? I felt so lost for a bit. As if I haven't done enough to stand out and make myself seem like a productive part of society. I've given back and done a lot but it doesn't mean that my resume and presentation of self compares to the mind blowing works of some of the other students that have applied. I just... I don't know what to do anymore. He told me that September is when he can really provide me with any information. So that was the gist of the interview, nothing too crazy. I love how PCVers always gush about their time away. That's what makes everything worth it. All this crazyness I'm going through to be a part of the Peace Corps is worth every word that comes out of the previous PCV'ers. AHHHHHH!!!

I've done all the research but it doesn't mean that it will make this go any faster. I want this. I can feel this. I can taste everything that it could bring. But it doesn't mean it'll happen. I've given so much to other things in my life but I've been hindered by someone I used to be and by what others have labeled me as. That's life and I get that, but it doesn't mean that I haven't worked hard enough to be a part of the program but because of the drama of girls and government I'm unable to receive the position.

Ugh. I'm so upset about it and I don't even want to admit it, and it's created this self doubt worse than ever before. The idea of failure haunts me with every second I stay at my school. Every minute I make a mistake or tell a white lie or am not true to myself, I create this shadow that provides my mind with every negative thought I can possibly conceive.

The Peace Corps is so important to me because it's not running away from something it's running towards something. A life that means something, that makes me feel like I've done something in my life, because I think that I can make the difference and be a part of the generation that creates a positive image of America. Gosh there are so many reasons that I want to be a part of the Peace Corps. I think this is what makes or breaks a person and this is where I can reveal my personal legend. I have a passion of making a difference but am so scared of my destiny, where it leads to.

Have you ever felt alone in a room full of people? Have you ever felt that you aren't doing enough though you don't even have time to sleep a full night? Do you feel guilty that you've had a couple days off or when you've lied to have a night/day off of an event or meeting. Every time I do but I remember that I'm still in college and that this is the place to make mistakes and change the kinks in who I am. I love myself and what I want out of life, but where my life leads is so out of place for me. When I think about the Peace Corps I am confident in that direction because it makes sense to me. Americorps and TFA only appeal in my skills not necessarily to me as a person.


Oh Peace Corps. Why do you tempt me so?
I just want to go.
But will I ever?